WEEKEND REPORT

Matt Chico was robbed of a victory by the weather and Saul Rivera. It sucked.

BUT

The Nats won during another Matt Chico start. He even inspired White Nook Logan to hit a grand slam, how awesome was that?!?! In honor of this event we present a list of people more likely to hit a granny than White Nook:

• Susan Sarandon, famous movie star and America Hater
• Matt Chico, Everyone's favorite baseball player
• Ross Perot, former Dana Carvey impersonator
• Ray Knight, old man and MASN Nats Extra Superstar (we love you Ray)
• Larry Jones, Nats ballboy
• TP, Nats blogger
• Brad Wilkerson, former Nationals great
• Don Imus, famous racist
• Hillary Swank, star of TV's Harry and the Hendersons
• Amerigo Vespucci
• Former WWF Superstar Duke the Dumpster Drose
• Your Mother

WHAT A GODDAMN SURPRISE: NATS WIN

Another Matt Chico outing, another Nationals victory. That's three in a row, for those of you not keeping track. The Nats are 6-4 in Matt Chico starts. That's a 97 win season if Matt Chico starts every game. I'm talking World Series type shit here, folks.

Even Bob Carpenter is getting in on the Chico bandwagon-- he finally said Matt Chico threw a pitch that was a "SERIOUS JAM JOB THERE". Other pitchers have been getting the jam job call from Carpenter all season. Bob Carpenter gives a lot of guys jam jobs. He is just finally coming around to jam jobbing Matt Chico.

Did you see he only gave up three hits last night too? Matt Chico, you're so good.

AND OH BY THE WAY MANNUEL ACTOR WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HITTING MATT CHICO NINTH??

He's hitting .267, better than all but TWO Nats (the GUZ and JESUS). With both Nook Logan and White Nook Logan in the lineup last night, how is Matt Chico not hitting at LEAST 7th in this lineup???? FRobby used to do it with Livan sometimes, maybe you should start thinking about it Manny. At least let him pinch hit instead of Tony Batista.

MATT CHICO VS THE CINCINNATI REDS

FACTS ABOUT CINCINNATI and the CINCINNATI REDS:

- They use cinnamon in their chili, a former Nazi cooking technique.
- Bronson Arroyo's songwriting is worse than Etan Thomas' poetry. Seriously.
- They are called "Reds" a term often used to identify Communists.
- They had a race riot like two years ago.
- Jerry Narron's grandfather founded the Know-Nothing Party.
- They traded American hero Jose Guillen.
- One of their stars, Josh Hamilton, is a drug addict with stomach problems.
- Ken Griffey Junior is made of fine italian porcelain.
- Pete Rose.
- They took all the music out of the WKRP in Cincinnati DVDs so it's not even worth it.

CINCINNATI: NAZI COMMUNIST RACIST CHEATING DRUGGED OUT ANTI-AMERICAN HELLHOLE.

And now they're bitching about Gary Majewski. NO TAGBACKS, ASSHOLES. You traded for Royce Clayton, and now you have to suck on it!! There isn't a warranty on crafty right hand relievers!!

Here is your game preview: Good looking, all-american boy next door Matt Chico is going to strike out like 34 Reds. Ryan Freel will run into something and explode. Chico will once again play stopper and achieve victory for the Nats as they continue to climb the major league ranks to 3rd or 4th worst.

NATIONALS STARTING ROTATION!! BEST IN AMERICA!!

Nationals starting pitchers report!!

Matt Chico!! King of All Blogs!!
Levale Speigner!! Rule Five Still Alive!!!
Micah Bowie!! Journeyman Twin #1!
Jason Simontacci!! Journeyman Twin #2! Combines with Micah Bowie to use Journeyman Powers!!
Mike Bacsik!! Once traded for fellow Nats Alex Escobar and Billy Traber!!

QUESTION: WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE THE NATS STARTING ROTATION, OR THE STARTING ROTATION OF THE BALTIMORE ORIOLES? ANSWER: THE NATS ONE BECAUSE IT HAS MATT CHICO

Start? Quality.

That's right. Matt Chico leaves in favor of pinch hitter Dmitri Young in the bottom of the sixth, who promptly drives in a run, then his pinch runner (remember comrade Dmitri is a morbidly obese diabetic alcoholic wifebeater) scores the go-ahead run and now Matt Chico is in line for the win.

Final Line: 6 IP, 5 H, 3ER, 2 BB, 1 K.

Washington Nationals bullpen, you're on notice!

7th: Billy Traber shuts them down.
8th: Jesus Colome follows in Billy Traber's footsteps, which typically would not be a compliment.

I am writing this in the bottom of the 8th. I think it would be totally awesome if Matt Chico re-emerged in the bottom of the 9th in a Bobby Valentine-esque disguise to get the save. I feel that will not happen. No, it's Jon Rauch. He is tall.

And victory!

Matt Chico is now 3-4 on the season. He is really good.

Inning #5

The Chicosphere is completely omnipotent. After calling out Tony Batista, he comes through with an RBI. What a bully pulpit we have here.

The fifth inning was more of the same. Matt Diaz drove in a run. It was boring and lame. This was after the opposing pitcher Chuck James laid down a sacrifice bunt. I was really hoping that it would come to nothing so that I could have commented that Chuck James died in vain. Alas, he didn't. Still, one run was given up.

Oh, and Matt Chico popped up in the fifth. On a totally serious baseball note, at least he's going to pitch into the sixth inning, the third time he's done so in nine starts. He's only thrown 68 pitches too, so the live blog looks to continue.

Because this post otherwise was unimpressive, I'll atone with this:

Silver Slugger Awards

Single by Matt Chico. The man cannot be stopped. Unless Ronnie Belliard decides to stop him. He is very fat.

Also, more recognition by the mainstream media.

Well, this inning did not go so well. Boston Red Sox reject Edgar Renteria walks, only to be driven in by philanderer Larry Wayne Jones. If there's anything we here at the Chicosphere stand for, it's fidelity and family values. That homer might count in the record book Chipper, but it won't matter when you're rotting in hell with your bastard children.

The rest of them grounded out.

Fuck the Braves and their insensitivity to Native Americans.

Matt Chico: The Third Inning

Holy shit, did you realize Tony Batista is on the Nationals? Apparently he couldn't cut it with the Fukuoka SoftBank Hawks. Where is Larry Broadway??

Anyway...

Ground out by prolific animal abuser Scott Thorman for the first out.
Another ground out by noted copycat Chuck James, two outs.
Ardent Holocaust denier Matt Diaz flies out to end the inning.

Another triumph of awesome over evil.

Matt Chico due up third in the inning, looking to improve on his .167 average.

5/17: A date that will probably not live in infamy, unless something insane happens

The Chicosphere (not Matt Chico Rules, despite what the left wing press wants you to believe) will try and follow Matt Chico's start today, IN REAL TIME. This is the advantage of having a day game on a weekday, TP is by a computer. Carrier pigeons can't type on nights or weekends.

Also, the Boz calls Matt Chico "spunky" today. No homo? Stay off his jock, the Boz!

First update: Matt Chico goes through two scoreless innings, giving up hits to the first two hitters simply to test his mental resolve. Having stranded them, Matt Chico realizes his fortitude is phenomenal.

A LIST OF THINGS AND PEOPLE CONSPIRING AGAINST MATT CHICO

A lot of people are trying to hate on Matt Chico lately. It is pretty much the same story Matt Chico has been dealing with his whole life, with losers trying to bring him down. Here is a list of people who are now official enemies of the Chicosphere:

A) The Liberal Media - Did you know Keith Law once worked for a team in Canada? Keith Law hates all things American, especially true American hero Matt Chico. Jerry Crasnick has also been ducking TP's questions about Matt Chico during ESPN.COM chats
B) The Nationals offense - They are probably the third or fourth best offense in the International League and refuse to score runs for Matt Chico
C) The Corn Industry - Matt Chico hates High Fructose Corn Syrup. It tastes like film
D) Mother Nature - Matt Chico continued to improve against the Florida Barflins, dominating for 4.1 innings until rain stopped his incredible effort. (Topper Shutt, you were right when you said it's a hard rain gonna fall)
E) The Board of Regents of the University of Southern California - Matt Chico and the rest of the guys from Delta House got put on probation after they passed naked pictures of the Provost around. Also Matt Chico fucked the Dean's wife. They still couldn't derail his awesome pitching amazingness.
F) Manuel Actor - Manuel, Matt Chico has an arm of steel. He does not get hurt. It is bullshit to pull him just because he has been in the clubhouse for 2 hours. Matt Chico stays loose by playing Nintendo Wii (the official video console of the Chicosphere). You stole a win from Matt Chico and now you have an enemy for life.
G) Cody Ross - Fuck you, Cody Ross. Just fuck you.

OTHER BREAKING NEWS

Since John Patterson (#1) and Rich Hill (#2) are hurt, Matt Chico (former #3) is now the Nats #1 starter. We have been predicting this for some time.

Please leave your comments below as to whether you think Matt Chico will win the MVP, Cy Young, Rookie of the Year, Silver Slugger, or all of the above awards this year.

PS. DID YOU NOTICE MATT CHICO IS STILL UNDEFEATED AT RFK STADIUM? DID YOU NOTICE THAT MATT CHICO NOW ACCOUNTS FOR MORE THAN A THIRD OF NATIONALS VICTORIES?? DID YOU???

You and your "sabermetrics" can go shove it, Law!

TP (DC): IS there any reason to watch the Nats this season? I can't think of any. Except Matt Chico, obviously.

Keith Law: (1:44 PM ET ) I'm not even a Chico fan. They're going to be lucky to lose under 110.



Know thy enemy:


And thus begins the Great Keith Law Boycott of 2007 (GKLBMMVII).

MATH LESSON

Did you know Matt Chico starts account for fully ONE THIRD of the Nationals' victories? They have only won nine games, but SERIOUSLY a third of their wins! All this with only 3.28 runs scored per Matt Chico start.

MATH!

PS. Fuck you Florida Marlfish, you are going to get so fucked up on Saturday.

Hear ye, hear ye!

FANTASY ALERT!!! Courtesy of offical Chicosphere town crier Basil Thaddiwacker, Matt Chico will have two starts this week, as he pitches tonight vs. the Brewers (you may never have heard of this team from Milwaukee- they have been largely irrelevant since the heyday of Cecil Cooper, though rumors persist that they once turned four double plays in one game in 1992) and likely on Saturday night vs. Florida. Fantasy managers, now is a good time to start Senor Chico, as he should be able to stifle the Pat Listach-less Brewers, and has shown consistent improvement against the Marlins. To wit, let's analyze his progression as he learns the nuances of the Marlins.

April 4- 4 IP, 8 H, 6 ER, 3 HR, o BB, 3 K. A very impressive debut in which he willed his Nationals team to victory.

April 21- 4.2 IP, 6 H, 5 ER, 1 HR, 7 BB, 6 K.

Yeah, that's right Florida. YOU'VE BEEN FIGURED OUT! Matt Chico went all Sherlock Holmes® on you. You got PLAYED.

Prediction:

Tonight vs. Brewers: 8 IP, 2 H (one will come when he is distracted by cheese, the other will come when Bernie the Brewer tries to kiss him), 0 ER, 6 HR (all hit by Matt Chico), 0 BB, 15 K. He'll likely want to take the 9th off in order to get a head start on drinking Milwaukee's Best. Plus, their manager is named Ned Yost and was a former taxidermist after his terrible playing career. Arguably the clumsiest taxidermist/manager in big league history as well.

MATT CHICO.

WHY GOD WHY

Are you there God? It's me, Matt B.

Why have you forsaken Matt Chico? You give him such gifts as a plus slider and intestinal fortitude, yet you take away his control. Why must all beautiful things like Matt Chico's left arm have a flaw? I thought that You had created a pitcher with a breaking pitch that was so good not even You could hit it. But then you refuse to let Matt Chico realize his talents.

This isn't going to be like Daniel Cabrera, right? You wouldn't do this to me twice, would you God? Please give me a sign.

Love,

Matt B