Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Injury report!

I'm almost too distraught to come up with this blog post right now, after our hero Matt Chico was betrayed so publicly and cold-bloodedly. One only needs to look below to see the depths of Wook's hatred of all things victorious and Matt Chico. The Chief is more forgiven for his inept pitching, as his loyalties were divided while facing the Indians and distant relative Chief Wahoo. Now we only have to worry when Matt Chico faces the Braves or the Redskins.

Matt Chico's All-Star path became much clearer with the thumb injury to mega-superstar SS Cristian Guzman. Also, Jesus Colome heroically has joined the long line of major league baseball legends with buttocks injuries, as he will go on the 15 day DL with a right lower extremity soft-tissue infection. According to a scoop from Nats blogger and noted buttocks authority Matt B:

Matt B
to me
show details
Jun 25 (22 hours ago)
Colome's problems with his buttocks is nothing new. He had the same problem during Spring Training and had to miss a few exhibition games, but was eventually able to work around the issue. This time, according to a baseball source, there are complications, and Colome needs surgery to fix the problem.

In his finest big-league campaign to date, Colome is 4-0 with one save and a 2.76 ERA in 40 games with the Nationals.

"I don't feel good. I can't talk," Colome said. "I have to wait until tomorrow. I'm going straight to the doctor."

Great scoop.

In great, lucky news, guess who's replacing Jesus Colome?!?!?!


Our leads are safe again! Super!

Sunday, June 24, 2007




Friday, June 22, 2007

Celebrity Look-alikes


Also, if our "blog" has done anything, it has made for a wildly entertaining Google image search for Matt Chico, methinks.

Monday, June 18, 2007


June has been a very kind month to Matt Chico, as the month (named after Juno herself) has bestowed upon him a series of quality starts. We weren't looking to bring that up, but after we ethered the Washington City Paper, we feel that we have transcended baseball superstition and now inhabit a realm somewhere only populated by the most devout Scientolgists. Now, as our hero Matt Chico prepares to dominate soft-tossing lefty Mike Maroth and the Tigers, we'd like to bring up two housekeeping items.

1. Nicknames-Matt Chico-sphere readers, we understand you are a creative lot. Guest blogger Ben Franklin invented electricity using a kite and Steve Sanders invented a lady's heart melter via a stare from his baby blues. So why not come up with a special nickname for our pal, Matt Chico? I have been thinking all day about this, but then I heard there would be some copyright violations with the name Jesus Christ, hence Jesus Flores' mounting legals bills and the constant presence of Robert Shapiro in the bowels of RFK (no truth to the rumor that he just enjoys discarded french fries.) Have at it, minions.

2. All-Star? Who is better than Matt Chico on the Nats? Kory Casto sucked. The White and Black Nook Logan are leading the league in racial harmony, but little else of note. Jon Rauch is too tall for the notoriousy low-ceiling San Francisco. Matt Chico is the obvious choice. Anyone who cares to take exception with Matt Chico as an All-Star, we'll have a debate where I'll be the Hannity to your Colmes. Anyone looking to antagonize of Chico-sphere needs only to see what we did to former #1 enemy Keith Law.


So the Washington City Paper's blog basically called the Chicosphere out on our lack of recent content.

Listen, jerkasses, apparently you know nothing about baseball. Superstition is key -- and Matt Chico hasn't lost since we stopped blogging. Now that we started again, Matt Chico might fall off a cliff or something. If he does, it's your fault.

Do all of us a favor and stick to writing about bees and Adrian Fenty's car and shit. Leave the sportswriting to nationally acclaimed writers like those featured here at the Chicosphere.

Friday, June 1, 2007

Matt Chico! Jake Peavy!

First things first, the Padres are a weird team. Their moniker, Padres, I believe, is a Spanish phrase, likely symbolizing something Spanish. Maybe like, tacos or armadas or inquisitions. Their mascot is the San Diego Chicken. And they traded Ozzie Smith for Garry Templeton.

Out of the wreckage of this mediocre franchise comes Jacobi "Jake" Peavy, currently #2 on the official Chicosphere NL Cy Young ballot. Yeah, no big deal, I'm in the BBWAA ,suckaz. (Full disclosure: I frequently parasail with Bill Conlin of mid-90's Sports Reporters fame.)

Jacobi, after completing the sacred rite of bar mitzah, decided he wanted to become a major league baseball pitcher. But young Jacobi, everyone said, you are legally blind! Fear not, brave Jacobi told them, for I am now a man. I have recited the blessings for the Torah reading, read from the Torah five books of Moses and Haftara, and given a d'var Torah.

Determined, he sat down at his typewriter and wrote a letter to Exalted Leader George H.W. Bush. An excerpt:

Salutations, friend:

It is I, Jacobi Peavy! Perchance, I was leafing through a recent newsweekly, and the most curious thought arose in my mind! There are no visually impaired sportsmen in the republic! Might we legislatively amend this state of affairs?

Your BFF,

Jacobi Peavy :)

With a single tear streaming down his face, His Excellency George H.W. Bush crafted the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990. Young Jacobi became a major league pitcher and the steps to the pitcher's mound was replaced by a smooth, gentle incline.


On to the game: Matt Chico wins whilst Jake Peavy throws terrifying fastballs blindly at nice guys like Wook Islets of. Chico's projected line: 9 IP, 23 K, 0 BB, 2 H, another curly W. Look for the Matt Chico Offensive Explosion of 2007® to continue unabated.


Washington Nationals' Matt Chico pitches to St. Louis Cardinals' Scott Spezio in the first inning of their baseball game Sunday, May 27, 2007, at Busch Stadium in St. Louis.