Monday, April 30, 2007


From: (Jim Bowden)
To: (Manny Acta)
Monday, April 30, 2007
Re: Weekend Series vs. Mets


I noticed Matt Chico was the only Nats starter to get a win this weekend. Also Chad Cordero somehow didn't fuck up in the 9th inning of Friday's game. Matt Chico is a now a proven winner and I am the most awesome GM in the game for trading Livan Hernandez for him. He also hit a single, god Matt Chico is cool.

From now on, you are instructed to never take Matt Chico out of a game ever.

Love and Cuddles,

PS. I am thinking of trading Nick Johnson for more Diamondback prospects. Do you know anything about Robby Hammock?

Friday, April 27, 2007

Mets Have Scurvy!!!

Gameday preview in haiku form. As you can see, the Chicosphere has no recap of the previous Marlins game, as it technically never happened. It is overcast here in DC, so let's do a Japanese anti-rain dance. The Japanese are not fond of moisture.

Rain, rain go away.
Let Matt Chico pitch today.
Hopefully the Mets don't fuck him up as badly as the Marlins have in the past, that would suck.

Saturday, April 21, 2007


a whole lot of orangeTonight, it's Matt Chico v. Anibal Sanchez.

Remember when Anibal Sanchez threw a no-hitter last year? Yeah, neither does anyone else, because no one was there. Check out the background, see how no one is there? Screw you Sanchez, no one cares about your dumb no-hitter. Miami is the Bermuda Triangle of baseball-- no one really knows what goes on there.

Official Chicosphere Prediction: Matt Chico will win tonight, barring an appearance by Chad Cordero. Manny would be wise to let Chico finish the job by himself. Or letting Levale Speigner pitch the 9th.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007


ben franklin tried to invent a potion that makes your farts smell better

I would like to use this opportunity to, from the grave, thank Washington Nationals manager Manuel Actor for not allowing his ace pitcher Matt Chico to denegrate my hometown Philadelphia Phillies during their upcoming visit to RFK Stadium. He surely would have hurled apples well and struck-out many Philadelphians.

It has been a miserable season for my Philadelphians thus far. Ryan Howard has forgotten how to swing. Their second base-bagman is named Chase. Jamie Moyer is older than me. Boston fans have even taken our position as the world's biggest dickheads. Shit, we can't even cheer for Sal Fasano. 2007 sucks.

So thank you, Mr. Acter. Your act of kindness towards the last-place Philadelphia Philadelphianos is not lost on this zombie founding father.

Ben Franklin was never President, but he did invent the jump rope. He died in 1962. He appears occasionally as a guest blogger for the Chicosphere.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

People Inferior to Matt Chico

Matt Chico rules more than:

1. Keith Hernandez
2. Wesley Snipes

3. Steve Sanders*

Ian Ziering

4. Mr. Rogers

5. Squanto


*-Nothing is known of Sanders' possible fictional major league career, but look at him. He would strike you out.

Monday, April 16, 2007


as far as wifebeating alcoholics go, dmitri young is our favoriteWe at the Chicosphere would like to congratulate Matt Chico on his dominating, 5+ inning, 1 run performance against the Atlanta Braves tonight. We are confident that this is win #1 of something like 300. Maybe 400.

Did you see how Matt Chico spotted the Braves three baserunners in the first inning? And then worked out of it?? Matt Chico was just fucking with you Bobby Cox. I hope you feel foolish.

Now is the time-- Get on the Chico bandwagon today. Buy your jersey tee HERE.

PS. Manny Acta quote on Matt Chico: "He battled through and did anything possible to get a W. He is hard as hell and could take anyone on the Braves in a Pit Fight."

Tuesday, April 10, 2007


Matt Chico takes on Tim Hudson and the Atlanta Braves tonight. This is probably as close to a guaranteed win as you can get. In fact, we here at the Chicosphere are predicting a shutout.

here is tim hudson being beat up by a little girl First, Tim Hudson is only allowed to have 4 good starts per year now. He already used up one of them, and you know he's not going to use another against the Nats. He's going to save them for teams that don't have diabetic wife-beating alcoholics hitting cleanup.

Similarly, Matt Chico is only allowed one bad start per year, and he already used it against the Marlins. But even then, he persevered and his leadership from within the clubhouse allowed the team to achieve a victory.

The Nats' record when Matt Chico starts? 1-0. The Nats record when Matt Chico doesn't start? 0-6. I think you can see why this one is definitely going to be a win. You can bitch and moan all you want about Matt Chico's 13.50 ERA, but the fact is Matt Chico doesn't care about individual stats: he only cares about winning. And Jesus.

Also, did you know that Bobby Cox is a scientologist? It's true. That's why Leo Mazzone left for Baltimore.

PREDICTION: Nats 1/2, Braves 0.

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

Well Done Jerks

I hope you're happy Florida Margaylins. You ruined this baby's day. ON IT'S BIRTHDAY.

Why don't you just tell this kid that Santa isn't real?

Matt Chico went 4 innings, giving up 8 hits, 3 home runs, 3 strikeouts, and 6 runs (all of which were super lame.) At the end of the day, Matt Chico perseveres. What doesn't kill Matt Chico makes him stronger.

Levale Speigner, thanks a lot for stranding the inherited runners. NOT! I bet you didn't know Matt Chico knows karate (5th degree black belt) but you'll find out soon after the game when you find crushed cinderblocks in front of your locker, then turn around to find a roundhouse kick right up in your dome.


Public Enemy #2 or #1a or something

Nice baseball card, you dork. Don't blame me when the rabid denizens of the Chicosphere go and burn down your straw hut in whatever part of bumblefuck Latin America you're from.

Good thing it took me so long to make this post because there's a bounty on your head too, Mike Jacobs. Oh, and you're really fucking ugly. Not to mention you're totally gay, watch your hands around the D-Train you homo.

Death to the Infidels

And by infidels, I mean Cody Ross- Public Enemy #1


Major League Debut

Matt Chico today makes his long-awaited major league debut. It's about goddamn time. What else did he need to do?


NCAA 645.48151300
069.08149421147698 10.571.436.139.001.86
2003YakimaNwest20AriA- 743.531713000071.17528284257191 9.460.503.158.961.40
2004South BendMidw21AriA 852.571414210087.25926259278950 6.060.922.779.140.98
El PasoTex21AriAA 375.781412000062.18253407365971 11.841.015.208.521.89
2005LancasterCalif22AriA+ 723.7618180000110.01015046133910241
TennesseeSou22AriAA 175.981010000052.27544358153522 12.821.372.565.981.71
2006LancasterCalif23AriA+ 343.751010

050.14825215114940 8.580.891.978.761.17
HarrisburgEast23WanAA 203.2744

022.02898381331 11.451.233.275.321.64
TennesseeSou23AriAA 722.221313

081.06222206216381 6.890.672.337.001.02

Minor League Totals - 4 Season(s)38313.7410094

0537.153025722355182481427 8.880.923.058.061.33

He was sorta getting bored dominating Double A, major league talent evaluators! And don't even get me started on Triple A. Everyone knows that's for pussies. Today, at 1:05 PM Eastern time (don't forget daylight savings!) Matt Chico faces the Florida Marlins, or as they are known in baseball circles throughout the league, the Florida "Dickweeds who suck at hitting and will have serious problems contending with Matt Chico's phenomenal array of pitches."

Prediction: No hitter. It would probably be more accurate to predict a perfect game, but I think someone cowardly like Miguel Olivo will attempt to get hit by a pitch. And probably only 19 K's. Unfortunately, the weather in the D.C. area is worse than Marlins' manager Fredi Gonzalez's attempt to spell his first name, so Matt Chico's debut may be delayed. I blame this on Marlins center fielder and renowned mystic Alejandro de Aza, as he has been known to summon rains before. However, Matt Chico will likely unleash a spell countering de Aza's attempts to influence the weather. Also, Matt Chico will hit at least two homers, one blindfolded. Good luck getting seats at RFK today, attendance is expected to reach heretofore unseen levels.

Is Jerome Beasley the Matt Chico of the NBDL?!?!?!?!