Friday, June 1, 2007

Matt Chico! Jake Peavy!

First things first, the Padres are a weird team. Their moniker, Padres, I believe, is a Spanish phrase, likely symbolizing something Spanish. Maybe like, tacos or armadas or inquisitions. Their mascot is the San Diego Chicken. And they traded Ozzie Smith for Garry Templeton.

Out of the wreckage of this mediocre franchise comes Jacobi "Jake" Peavy, currently #2 on the official Chicosphere NL Cy Young ballot. Yeah, no big deal, I'm in the BBWAA ,suckaz. (Full disclosure: I frequently parasail with Bill Conlin of mid-90's Sports Reporters fame.)

Jacobi, after completing the sacred rite of bar mitzah, decided he wanted to become a major league baseball pitcher. But young Jacobi, everyone said, you are legally blind! Fear not, brave Jacobi told them, for I am now a man. I have recited the blessings for the Torah reading, read from the Torah five books of Moses and Haftara, and given a d'var Torah.

Determined, he sat down at his typewriter and wrote a letter to Exalted Leader George H.W. Bush. An excerpt:

Salutations, friend:

It is I, Jacobi Peavy! Perchance, I was leafing through a recent newsweekly, and the most curious thought arose in my mind! There are no visually impaired sportsmen in the republic! Might we legislatively amend this state of affairs?

Your BFF,

Jacobi Peavy :)

With a single tear streaming down his face, His Excellency George H.W. Bush crafted the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990. Young Jacobi became a major league pitcher and the steps to the pitcher's mound was replaced by a smooth, gentle incline.

On to the game: Matt Chico wins whilst Jake Peavy throws terrifying fastballs blindly at nice guys like Wook Islets of. Chico's projected line: 9 IP, 23 K, 0 BB, 2 H, another curly W. Look for the Matt Chico Offensive Explosion of 2007® to continue unabated.


Washington Nationals' Matt Chico pitches to St. Louis Cardinals' Scott Spezio in the first inning of their baseball game Sunday, May 27, 2007, at Busch Stadium in St. Louis.


Andrew said...

when are you fellows going to talk about how much Levale Speigner sucks? If he's going to have a goofy name like that, it should at least be pronounced extremely French-Canadian-y, i think

TP said...

Our hatred of all things Speigner is well documented. He could not pitch his way out of a paper bag.