Thursday, July 12, 2007

Patriotism- What America Means to Matt Chico

The image “” cannot be displayed, because it contains errors.

The only thing that rules more than America, FUCK YEAH, is national icon Matt Chico. Taking the mound on Independence Day, Matt Chico thoroughly dominated the Cubs and the Domincan Benedicto Arnoldo so badly with 7 shut-out innings that the Mall was evacuated and fireworks erupted spontaneously throughout the land. The Boz was so all encompassingly entranced by our hero's guile and moxie that he had to spend the whole week writing nonsensical golf columns, apparently done with baseball as he has now witnessed pitching at its finest. Also, Matt Chico, a Tom Emanski disciple, is quite obviously the nation's most acclaimed bunter. I'm not even joking. The man sacrifices better than Jesus.

But the Romans to our Jesus, clearly, has been the Florida Marlins. On Saturday, Matt Chico ventures to their shitty municipality (TANC IN '08!) to conquer his demons. Shouldn't be too difficult, now that the cowardly #1 enemy of the Chico-sphere, Cody Ross (likely alias), is on the 60 day disabled list with a strained hamstring. Hey Codester, don't let the door hit you in the vagina on your way out of the majors.

Oh, and Orel, hope it was fun having that record for a while. News flash: you're probably the dorkiest looking major league pitcher since, well, ever. Obscurity awaits, oh hang on, I think your appearance on the World Series of Blackjack indicates you've already arrived there. Have fun debating Steve Phillips and John Kruk on Baseball Tonight. Jerk.

Here's a Q&A with the new Carlos Perez (wtf?)

Oh guys, I couldn't think of a better song to commemorate Matt Chico's terrific performance on July 4th than this, have you heard this before? I smell a hit!!

No comments: