ESPN Gets it Right

TP (DC): Is Matt Chico mortal?

Jonah Keri: (2:53 PM ET ) He's a robot in disguise.



Thanks ESPN, for replacing inferior dork Keith Law with new baseball dork 2.0 Jonah Keri. I thank the readers of the Matt Chico-sphere for the public pressure applied on ESPN to dump the traitor and install the new guy. Very brave of you, our loyal readership.

Though I appreciate Keri's recognition of Matt Chico as a superhuman being (life force, possibly), I think he might have missed the mark. I think of Matt Chico as more magic than machine in a way, for instance, when he finished Book 7 by slaying archenemy Cody Ross with a spell backfire caused by Elder Wand Allegiance and impact with Harry Potter's opposing Expelliarmus spell. Yeah, no big deal.

P.S. Jim Bowden, trade Dmitri Young before the market for Communist diabetic sloths dries up.

Patriotism- What America Means to Matt Chico

The only thing that rules more than America, FUCK YEAH, is national icon Matt Chico. Taking the mound on Independence Day, Matt Chico thoroughly dominated the Cubs and the Domincan Benedicto Arnoldo so badly with 7 shut-out innings that the Mall was evacuated and fireworks erupted spontaneously throughout the land. The Boz was so all encompassingly entranced by our hero's guile and moxie that he had to spend the whole week writing nonsensical golf columns, apparently done with baseball as he has now witnessed pitching at its finest. Also, Matt Chico, a Tom Emanski disciple, is quite obviously the nation's most acclaimed bunter. I'm not even joking. The man sacrifices better than Jesus.

But the Romans to our Jesus, clearly, has been the Florida Marlins. On Saturday, Matt Chico ventures to their shitty municipality (TANC IN '08!) to conquer his demons. Shouldn't be too difficult, now that the cowardly #1 enemy of the Chico-sphere, Cody Ross (likely alias), is on the 60 day disabled list with a strained hamstring. Hey Codester, don't let the door hit you in the vagina on your way out of the majors.

Oh, and Orel, hope it was fun having that record for a while. News flash: you're probably the dorkiest looking major league pitcher since, well, ever. Obscurity awaits, oh hang on, I think your appearance on the World Series of Blackjack indicates you've already arrived there. Have fun debating Steve Phillips and John Kruk on Baseball Tonight. Jerk.

Here's a Q&A with the new Carlos Perez (wtf?)

Oh guys, I couldn't think of a better song to commemorate Matt Chico's terrific performance on July 4th than this, have you heard this before? I smell a hit!!

CELEBRITY LOOK ALIKE v.2

With his second consecutive run-proof outing, Matt Chico is now at 13 straight scoreless innings. Can you see the resemblance?

AN OPEN LETTER TO SAUL RIVERA

Saul Rivera, you traitorous fiend. You no-good yokel. You charlitan. You fool of fools. You Borica son of a fish.

All you had to do to get Matt Chico in position for a W was to get out the 8, 9 and 1 hitters on the Pittsburgh Pirates, a team that is composed of castoffs from the International League. A month ago, Nate McLouth was slinging hot dogs by the river, and now he's hitting triples off you.

I loathe you, Saul Rivera. I find the application of such a biblical name to such an awful human being to be downright blasphemous. You are my least favorite University of Mobile alumnus. You are a poor man's Kiko Calero.

I read on the Nats website that you are a switch hitter. Seriously. TP said he met you and you were all "Hi, i suck at relief pitching, but i can hit lefties and righties equally shitty."

If you ruin another Matt Chico start, I am going to make an effigy of you. And you know what happens to effigies. (Effigys? No, it's spelled effigies I think.) Or perhaps I will create a pinata with a #52 jersey on it.

Maybe I shouldn't blame you. It's partially ManActor's fault for never letting Matt Chico pitch long enough. But Manuel isn't the one tossing the shitty fastballs and questionable breaking pitches.

I'm watching you, Rivera. Buck up or there is gonna be trouble in the form of more angry blog postings from anonymous internet baseball nerds.

PS. No chance you actually weigh your listed 155 lbs. Fatty.