Phew

My fellow Americans, our long national nightmare is over. According to Barry Svrlgtbnckfw:

• So John Lannan will take the mound tonight, and as it turns out, it will be his second-to-last start in the majors this year... Matt Chico, who pitched six scoreless innings for Columbus last night ... will be back and in position to replace Lannan in the rotation

While your faithful bloggers were wearing black all week and mourning the inexplicable demotion, our intern in Columbus has provided this report from Matt Chico's start in AAA:

• It seemed to be beneath him, pitching to wretched minor leaguers as if he had something to prove. Either way, it was hilarious watching these inept hitters flail wildly at Matt Chico's incredible variety of great, great pitches.
  

UPDATE: Matt Chico may be back sooner than we thought...

Demoted?!?!?!?!?!??!?

Jim Bowden, you snake. Oh wait, no, it's a good thing actually, let's demote all our young guys as we make our spirited run for fourth place in the National League East! Terrrific.

Tim Redding= THE FUTURE


Seriously though, babes are way hotter in Columbus. Joke's on you, D.C.

Meanwhile, an Arabian has provided me with this unsubstantiated rumor/character attack on NAMBLA member/ineffective GM Jim Bowden and his main squeeze:

"I have unconfirmed reports that Jim Bowden was seen at Remington's inCapitol Hill last night. He was reportedly in a head-to-toe cowboy outfit, escorting none other than an Native-American-clad (PC) Wily Mo Pena. The pair enjoyed what appeared to be an epic night at the country-western themed bar, which included a duet of the Backstreet Boys' hit "I Want it That Way" at the upstairs Karaoke bar, and endedwith what I am told was "intimate activity" in the Santa Fe lounge.They stayed until about 2:30 when they left on Bowden's Harley-Davidson after getting in a heated argument over whether or not Bowden was too intoxicated to drive...."

What else is new?

Another ho-hum outing for Matt Chico, throwing 101 pitches and not getting hurt, winning the game, but getting another no decision. Also not surprising, Matt Chico recorded his first ever major league RBI, the first of possibly tens in his sure to be stellar major league career.

Incredibly, Matt Chico also fooled St. Louis manager/baseball strategy virtuoso Tony LaRussa with a devastating array of pitches that appeared to be balls, but actually were strikes. Perhaps Mr. LaRussa was busy being drunk, or sleeping in the dugout, or abusing animals to realize that Matt Chico has an unparalleled mastery of the strike zone. His ineffective arguing led to his ejection from the sporting contest. LaRussa, your buffoonery amazes me. You couldn't smooth a silk sheet if you had a hot date with a babe.

As my esteemed co-blogger Matt B pointed out, Matt Chico will not face Barry Bonds as he attempts to set the major league home run record this week. I blame this on the cowardice of Barry Bonds, as he easily could have played for the Cardinals or the Diamondbacks and tested his mettle against durable, dominant southpaw pitching, but instead opted to try at all costs to avoid Matt Chico. Pussy.

Assuming Mr. Bonds does indeed hit a ball into the masses of gays that will populate AT&T Park this week, we'd like to use this space to venture a guess as to which Nats pitcher will serve up 756. All signs here point to the evil, tratiorous Saul Rivera, now that Levale Speigner is no longer with the squad. If not, then my best guess is Tim Redding. Actually it could be anyone, as the non-Matt Chico pitching contingent is decidedly subpar, except for John Lannan- the hardest pitcher in the National League East.

BLARRY BLONDS

So when checking the pitching probables this week, I noticed that Matt Chico is scheduled to start Sunday against the World Champion St. Louis Cardinals.

That's cool and all, but it also means that Matt Chico is not going to pitch against the San Francisco Bondses next week. This totally sucks. Our blog traffic would have gone through the roof if Matt Chico gave up home run #755 or 756. Matt Chico's name would be on the lips of all Americans, just as it should be. Matt Chico would get endorsement deals with all kinds of companies.

But it shan't be. Instead, Tim Redding is going to get the wicked publicity and corporate deals. The Redding Reader, our sister blog, is going to get all the hits and probably become filthy rich.

Curse you, fate.