Phew

My fellow Americans, our long national nightmare is over. According to Barry Svrlgtbnckfw:

• So John Lannan will take the mound tonight, and as it turns out, it will be his second-to-last start in the majors this year... Matt Chico, who pitched six scoreless innings for Columbus last night ... will be back and in position to replace Lannan in the rotation

While your faithful bloggers were wearing black all week and mourning the inexplicable demotion, our intern in Columbus has provided this report from Matt Chico's start in AAA:

• It seemed to be beneath him, pitching to wretched minor leaguers as if he had something to prove. Either way, it was hilarious watching these inept hitters flail wildly at Matt Chico's incredible variety of great, great pitches.
  

UPDATE: Matt Chico may be back sooner than we thought...

Demoted?!?!?!?!?!??!?

Jim Bowden, you snake. Oh wait, no, it's a good thing actually, let's demote all our young guys as we make our spirited run for fourth place in the National League East! Terrrific.

Tim Redding= THE FUTURE


Seriously though, babes are way hotter in Columbus. Joke's on you, D.C.

Meanwhile, an Arabian has provided me with this unsubstantiated rumor/character attack on NAMBLA member/ineffective GM Jim Bowden and his main squeeze:

"I have unconfirmed reports that Jim Bowden was seen at Remington's inCapitol Hill last night. He was reportedly in a head-to-toe cowboy outfit, escorting none other than an Native-American-clad (PC) Wily Mo Pena. The pair enjoyed what appeared to be an epic night at the country-western themed bar, which included a duet of the Backstreet Boys' hit "I Want it That Way" at the upstairs Karaoke bar, and endedwith what I am told was "intimate activity" in the Santa Fe lounge.They stayed until about 2:30 when they left on Bowden's Harley-Davidson after getting in a heated argument over whether or not Bowden was too intoxicated to drive...."

What else is new?

Another ho-hum outing for Matt Chico, throwing 101 pitches and not getting hurt, winning the game, but getting another no decision. Also not surprising, Matt Chico recorded his first ever major league RBI, the first of possibly tens in his sure to be stellar major league career.

Incredibly, Matt Chico also fooled St. Louis manager/baseball strategy virtuoso Tony LaRussa with a devastating array of pitches that appeared to be balls, but actually were strikes. Perhaps Mr. LaRussa was busy being drunk, or sleeping in the dugout, or abusing animals to realize that Matt Chico has an unparalleled mastery of the strike zone. His ineffective arguing led to his ejection from the sporting contest. LaRussa, your buffoonery amazes me. You couldn't smooth a silk sheet if you had a hot date with a babe.

As my esteemed co-blogger Matt B pointed out, Matt Chico will not face Barry Bonds as he attempts to set the major league home run record this week. I blame this on the cowardice of Barry Bonds, as he easily could have played for the Cardinals or the Diamondbacks and tested his mettle against durable, dominant southpaw pitching, but instead opted to try at all costs to avoid Matt Chico. Pussy.

Assuming Mr. Bonds does indeed hit a ball into the masses of gays that will populate AT&T Park this week, we'd like to use this space to venture a guess as to which Nats pitcher will serve up 756. All signs here point to the evil, tratiorous Saul Rivera, now that Levale Speigner is no longer with the squad. If not, then my best guess is Tim Redding. Actually it could be anyone, as the non-Matt Chico pitching contingent is decidedly subpar, except for John Lannan- the hardest pitcher in the National League East.

BLARRY BLONDS

So when checking the pitching probables this week, I noticed that Matt Chico is scheduled to start Sunday against the World Champion St. Louis Cardinals.

That's cool and all, but it also means that Matt Chico is not going to pitch against the San Francisco Bondses next week. This totally sucks. Our blog traffic would have gone through the roof if Matt Chico gave up home run #755 or 756. Matt Chico's name would be on the lips of all Americans, just as it should be. Matt Chico would get endorsement deals with all kinds of companies.

But it shan't be. Instead, Tim Redding is going to get the wicked publicity and corporate deals. The Redding Reader, our sister blog, is going to get all the hits and probably become filthy rich.

Curse you, fate.

ESPN Gets it Right

TP (DC): Is Matt Chico mortal?

Jonah Keri: (2:53 PM ET ) He's a robot in disguise.



Thanks ESPN, for replacing inferior dork Keith Law with new baseball dork 2.0 Jonah Keri. I thank the readers of the Matt Chico-sphere for the public pressure applied on ESPN to dump the traitor and install the new guy. Very brave of you, our loyal readership.

Though I appreciate Keri's recognition of Matt Chico as a superhuman being (life force, possibly), I think he might have missed the mark. I think of Matt Chico as more magic than machine in a way, for instance, when he finished Book 7 by slaying archenemy Cody Ross with a spell backfire caused by Elder Wand Allegiance and impact with Harry Potter's opposing Expelliarmus spell. Yeah, no big deal.

P.S. Jim Bowden, trade Dmitri Young before the market for Communist diabetic sloths dries up.

Patriotism- What America Means to Matt Chico

The only thing that rules more than America, FUCK YEAH, is national icon Matt Chico. Taking the mound on Independence Day, Matt Chico thoroughly dominated the Cubs and the Domincan Benedicto Arnoldo so badly with 7 shut-out innings that the Mall was evacuated and fireworks erupted spontaneously throughout the land. The Boz was so all encompassingly entranced by our hero's guile and moxie that he had to spend the whole week writing nonsensical golf columns, apparently done with baseball as he has now witnessed pitching at its finest. Also, Matt Chico, a Tom Emanski disciple, is quite obviously the nation's most acclaimed bunter. I'm not even joking. The man sacrifices better than Jesus.

But the Romans to our Jesus, clearly, has been the Florida Marlins. On Saturday, Matt Chico ventures to their shitty municipality (TANC IN '08!) to conquer his demons. Shouldn't be too difficult, now that the cowardly #1 enemy of the Chico-sphere, Cody Ross (likely alias), is on the 60 day disabled list with a strained hamstring. Hey Codester, don't let the door hit you in the vagina on your way out of the majors.

Oh, and Orel, hope it was fun having that record for a while. News flash: you're probably the dorkiest looking major league pitcher since, well, ever. Obscurity awaits, oh hang on, I think your appearance on the World Series of Blackjack indicates you've already arrived there. Have fun debating Steve Phillips and John Kruk on Baseball Tonight. Jerk.

Here's a Q&A with the new Carlos Perez (wtf?)

Oh guys, I couldn't think of a better song to commemorate Matt Chico's terrific performance on July 4th than this, have you heard this before? I smell a hit!!

CELEBRITY LOOK ALIKE v.2

With his second consecutive run-proof outing, Matt Chico is now at 13 straight scoreless innings. Can you see the resemblance?