The Matt Chico-sphere

Phew

2007-08-24T06:29:00.000-07:00

My fellow Americans, our long national nightmare is over. According to Barry Svrlgtbnckfw:

So John Lannan will take the mound tonight, and as it turns out, it will be his second-to-last start in the majors this year... Matt Chico, who pitched six scoreless innings for Columbus last night ... will be back and in position to replace Lannan in the rotation

While your faithful bloggers were wearing black all week and mourning the inexplicable demotion, our intern in Columbus has provided this report from Matt Chico's start in AAA:

It seemed to be beneath him, pitching to wretched minor leaguers as if he had something to prove. Either way, it was hilarious watching these inept hitters flail wildly at Matt Chico's incredible variety of great, great pitches.

UPDATE: Matt Chico may be back sooner than we thought...

Demoted?!?!?!?!?!??!?

2007-08-20T05:43:00.000-07:00

Jim Bowden, you snake. Oh wait, no, it's a good thing actually, let's demote all our young guys as we make our spirited run for fourth place in the National League East! Terrrific.

Tim Redding= THE FUTURE

Seriously though, babes are way hotter in Columbus. Joke's on you, D.C.

Meanwhile, an Arabian has provided me with this unsubstantiated rumor/character attack on NAMBLA member/ineffective GM Jim Bowden and his main squeeze:

"I have unconfirmed reports that Jim Bowden was seen at Remington's inCapitol Hill last night. He was reportedly in a head-to-toe cowboy outfit, escorting none other than an Native-American-clad (PC) Wily Mo Pena. The pair enjoyed what appeared to be an epic night at the country-western themed bar, which included a duet of the Backstreet Boys' hit "I Want it That Way" at the upstairs Karaoke bar, and endedwith what I am told was "intimate activity" in the Santa Fe lounge.They stayed until about 2:30 when they left on Bowden's Harley-Davidson after getting in a heated argument over whether or not Bowden was too intoxicated to drive...."

What else is new?

2007-08-06T10:43:00.000-07:00

Another ho-hum outing for Matt Chico, throwing 101 pitches and not getting hurt, winning the game, but getting another no decision. Also not surprising, Matt Chico recorded his first ever major league RBI, the first of possibly tens in his sure to be stellar major league career.

Incredibly, Matt Chico also fooled St. Louis manager/baseball strategy virtuoso Tony LaRussa with a devastating array of pitches that appeared to be balls, but actually were strikes. Perhaps Mr. LaRussa was busy being drunk, or sleeping in the dugout, or abusing animals to realize that Matt Chico has an unparalleled mastery of the strike zone. His ineffective arguing led to his ejection from the sporting contest. LaRussa, your buffoonery amazes me. You couldn't smooth a silk sheet if you had a hot date with a babe.

As my esteemed co-blogger Matt B pointed out, Matt Chico will not face Barry Bonds as he attempts to set the major league home run record this week. I blame this on the cowardice of Barry Bonds, as he easily could have played for the Cardinals or the Diamondbacks and tested his mettle against durable, dominant southpaw pitching, but instead opted to try at all costs to avoid Matt Chico. Pussy.

Assuming Mr. Bonds does indeed hit a ball into the masses of gays that will populate AT&T Park this week, we'd like to use this space to venture a guess as to which Nats pitcher will serve up 756. All signs here point to the evil, tratiorous Saul Rivera, now that Levale Speigner is no longer with the squad. If not, then my best guess is Tim Redding. Actually it could be anyone, as the non-Matt Chico pitching contingent is decidedly subpar, except for John Lannan- the hardest pitcher in the National League East.

BLARRY BLONDS

2007-08-03T10:54:00.000-07:00

So when checking the pitching probables this week, I noticed that Matt Chico is scheduled to start Sunday against the World Champion St. Louis Cardinals.

That's cool and all, but it also means that Matt Chico is not going to pitch against the San Francisco Bondses next week. This totally sucks. Our blog traffic would have gone through the roof if Matt Chico gave up home run #755 or 756. Matt Chico's name would be on the lips of all Americans, just as it should be. Matt Chico would get endorsement deals with all kinds of companies.

But it shan't be. Instead, Tim Redding is going to get the wicked publicity and corporate deals. The Redding Reader, our sister blog, is going to get all the hits and probably become filthy rich.

Curse you, fate.

ESPN Gets it Right

2007-07-24T11:55:00.000-07:00

TP (DC): Is Matt Chico mortal?

Jonah Keri: (2:53 PM ET ) He's a robot in disguise.

Thanks ESPN, for replacing inferior dork Keith Law with new baseball dork 2.0 Jonah Keri. I thank the readers of the Matt Chico-sphere for the public pressure applied on ESPN to dump the traitor and install the new guy. Very brave of you, our loyal readership.

Though I appreciate Keri's recognition of Matt Chico as a superhuman being (life force, possibly), I think he might have missed the mark. I think of Matt Chico as more magic than machine in a way, for instance, when he finished Book 7 by slaying archenemy Cody Ross with a spell backfire caused by Elder Wand Allegiance and impact with Harry Potter's opposing Expelliarmus spell. Yeah, no big deal.

P.S. Jim Bowden, trade Dmitri Young before the market for Communist diabetic sloths dries up.

Patriotism- What America Means to Matt Chico

2007-07-12T10:07:00.000-07:00

The only thing that rules more than America, FUCK YEAH, is national icon Matt Chico. Taking the mound on Independence Day, Matt Chico thoroughly dominated the Cubs and the Domincan Benedicto Arnoldo so badly with 7 shut-out innings that the Mall was evacuated and fireworks erupted spontaneously throughout the land. The Boz was so all encompassingly entranced by our hero's guile and moxie that he had to spend the whole week writing nonsensical golf columns, apparently done with baseball as he has now witnessed pitching at its finest. Also, Matt Chico, a Tom Emanski disciple, is quite obviously the nation's most acclaimed bunter. I'm not even joking. The man sacrifices better than Jesus.

But the Romans to our Jesus, clearly, has been the Florida Marlins. On Saturday, Matt Chico ventures to their shitty municipality (TANC IN '08!) to conquer his demons. Shouldn't be too difficult, now that the cowardly #1 enemy of the Chico-sphere, Cody Ross (likely alias), is on the 60 day disabled list with a strained hamstring. Hey Codester, don't let the door hit you in the vagina on your way out of the majors.

Oh, and Orel, hope it was fun having that record for a while. News flash: you're probably the dorkiest looking major league pitcher since, well, ever. Obscurity awaits, oh hang on, I think your appearance on the World Series of Blackjack indicates you've already arrived there. Have fun debating Steve Phillips and John Kruk on Baseball Tonight. Jerk.

Here's a Q&A with the new Carlos Perez (wtf?)

Oh guys, I couldn't think of a better song to commemorate Matt Chico's terrific performance on July 4th than this, have you heard this before? I smell a hit!!

CELEBRITY LOOK ALIKE v.2

2007-07-07T15:12:00.000-07:00

With his second consecutive run-proof outing, Matt Chico is now at 13 straight scoreless innings. Can you see the resemblance?

AN OPEN LETTER TO SAUL RIVERA

2007-07-02T09:16:00.000-07:00

Saul Rivera, you traitorous fiend. You no-good yokel. You charlitan. You fool of fools. You Borica son of a fish.

All you had to do to get Matt Chico in position for a W was to get out the 8, 9 and 1 hitters on the Pittsburgh Pirates, a team that is composed of castoffs from the International League. A month ago, Nate McLouth was slinging hot dogs by the river, and now he's hitting triples off you.

I loathe you, Saul Rivera. I find the application of such a biblical name to such an awful human being to be downright blasphemous. You are my least favorite University of Mobile alumnus. You are a poor man's Kiko Calero.

I read on the Nats website that you are a switch hitter. Seriously. TP said he met you and you were all "Hi, i suck at relief pitching, but i can hit lefties and righties equally shitty."

If you ruin another Matt Chico start, I am going to make an effigy of you. And you know what happens to effigies. (Effigys? No, it's spelled effigies I think.) Or perhaps I will create a pinata with a #52 jersey on it.

Maybe I shouldn't blame you. It's partially ManActor's fault for never letting Matt Chico pitch long enough. But Manuel isn't the one tossing the shitty fastballs and questionable breaking pitches.

I'm watching you, Rivera. Buck up or there is gonna be trouble in the form of more angry blog postings from anonymous internet baseball nerds.

PS. No chance you actually weigh your listed 155 lbs. Fatty.

Injury report!

2007-06-26T10:31:00.000-07:00

I'm almost too distraught to come up with this blog post right now, after our hero Matt Chico was betrayed so publicly and cold-bloodedly. One only needs to look below to see the depths of Wook's hatred of all things victorious and Matt Chico. The Chief is more forgiven for his inept pitching, as his loyalties were divided while facing the Indians and distant relative Chief Wahoo. Now we only have to worry when Matt Chico faces the Braves or the Redskins.

Matt Chico's All-Star path became much clearer with the thumb injury to mega-superstar SS Cristian Guzman. Also, Jesus Colome heroically has joined the long line of major league baseball legends with buttocks injuries, as he will go on the 15 day DL with a right lower extremity soft-tissue infection. According to a scoop from Nats blogger and noted buttocks authority Matt B:

Matt B

to me

show details

Jun 25 (22 hours ago)

Colome's problems with his buttocks is nothing new. He had the same problem during Spring Training and had to miss a few exhibition games, but was eventually able to work around the issue. This time, according to a baseball source, there are complications, and Colome needs surgery to fix the problem.

In his finest big-league campaign to date, Colome is 4-0 with one save and a 2.76 ERA in 40 games with the Nationals.

"I don't feel good. I can't talk," Colome said. "I have to wait until tomorrow. I'm going straight to the doctor."

Great scoop.

In great, lucky news, guess who's replacing Jesus Colome?!?!?!

LEVALE SPEIGNER!!!!

Our leads are safe again! Super!

EXAVIER PRENTE LOGAN YOU ARE STUPID

2007-06-24T12:25:00.000-07:00

YOU AND THE CHIEF STOLE A WIN FROM MATT CHICO. GO TO QUADRUPLE A WHERE YOU BELONG NOOK. GO NOW. TAKE WHITE NOOK (WOOK) WITH YOU.

Celebrity Look-alikes

2007-06-22T08:03:00.000-07:00

Also, if our "blog" has done anything, it has made for a wildly entertaining Google image search for Matt Chico, methinks.

Update!

2007-06-18T13:15:00.000-07:00

June has been a very kind month to Matt Chico, as the month (named after Juno herself) has bestowed upon him a series of quality starts. We weren't looking to bring that up, but after we ethered the Washington City Paper, we feel that we have transcended baseball superstition and now inhabit a realm somewhere only populated by the most devout Scientolgists. Now, as our hero Matt Chico prepares to dominate soft-tossing lefty Mike Maroth and the Tigers, we'd like to bring up two housekeeping items.

1. Nicknames-Matt Chico-sphere readers, we understand you are a creative lot. Guest blogger Ben Franklin invented electricity using a kite and Steve Sanders invented a lady's heart melter via a stare from his baby blues. So why not come up with a special nickname for our pal, Matt Chico? I have been thinking all day about this, but then I heard there would be some copyright violations with the name Jesus Christ, hence Jesus Flores' mounting legals bills and the constant presence of Robert Shapiro in the bowels of RFK (no truth to the rumor that he just enjoys discarded french fries.) Have at it, minions.

2. All-Star? Who is better than Matt Chico on the Nats? Kory Casto sucked. The White and Black Nook Logan are leading the league in racial harmony, but little else of note. Jon Rauch is too tall for the notoriousy low-ceiling San Francisco. Matt Chico is the obvious choice. Anyone who cares to take exception with Matt Chico as an All-Star, we'll have a debate where I'll be the Hannity to your Colmes. Anyone looking to antagonize of Chico-sphere needs only to see what we did to former #1 enemy Keith Law.

SUCK ON IT, CITY PAPER

2007-06-18T08:09:00.000-07:00

So the Washington City Paper's blog basically called the Chicosphere out on our lack of recent content.

Listen, jerkasses, apparently you know nothing about baseball. Superstition is key -- and Matt Chico hasn't lost since we stopped blogging. Now that we started again, Matt Chico might fall off a cliff or something. If he does, it's your fault.

Do all of us a favor and stick to writing about bees and Adrian Fenty's car and shit. Leave the sportswriting to nationally acclaimed writers like those featured here at the Chicosphere.

Matt Chico! Jake Peavy!

2007-06-01T12:24:00.000-07:00

First things first, the Padres are a weird team. Their moniker, Padres, I believe, is a Spanish phrase, likely symbolizing something Spanish. Maybe like, tacos or armadas or inquisitions. Their mascot is the San Diego Chicken. And they traded Ozzie Smith for Garry Templeton.

Out of the wreckage of this mediocre franchise comes Jacobi "Jake" Peavy, currently #2 on the official Chicosphere NL Cy Young ballot. Yeah, no big deal, I'm in the BBWAA ,suckaz. (Full disclosure: I frequently parasail with Bill Conlin of mid-90's Sports Reporters fame.)

Jacobi, after completing the sacred rite of bar mitzah, decided he wanted to become a major league baseball pitcher. But young Jacobi, everyone said, you are legally blind! Fear not, brave Jacobi told them, for I am now a man. I have recited the blessings for the Torah reading, read from the Torah five books of Moses and Haftara, and given a d'var Torah.

Determined, he sat down at his typewriter and wrote a letter to Exalted Leader George H.W. Bush. An excerpt:

Salutations, friend:

It is I, Jacobi Peavy! Perchance, I was leafing through a recent newsweekly, and the most curious thought arose in my mind! There are no visually impaired sportsmen in the republic! Might we legislatively amend this state of affairs?

Your BFF,

Jacobi Peavy :)

With a single tear streaming down his face, His Excellency George H.W. Bush crafted the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990. Young Jacobi became a major league pitcher and the steps to the pitcher's mound was replaced by a smooth, gentle incline.

On to the game: Matt Chico wins whilst Jake Peavy throws terrifying fastballs blindly at nice guys like Wook Islets of. Chico's projected line: 9 IP, 23 K, 0 BB, 2 H, another curly W. Look for the Matt Chico Offensive Explosion of 2007® to continue unabated.

TERRIFIC HERO GUY!

WEEKEND REPORT

2007-05-29T05:49:00.001-07:00

Matt Chico was robbed of a victory by the weather and Saul Rivera. It sucked.

BUT

The Nats won during another Matt Chico start. He even inspired White Nook Logan to hit a grand slam, how awesome was that?!?! In honor of this event we present a list of people more likely to hit a granny than White Nook:

Susan Sarandon, famous movie star and America Hater
Matt Chico, Everyone's favorite baseball player
Ross Perot, former Dana Carvey impersonator
Ray Knight, old man and MASN Nats Extra Superstar (we love you Ray)
Larry Jones, Nats ballboy
TP, Nats blogger
Brad Wilkerson, former Nationals great
Don Imus, famous racist
Hillary Swank, star of TV's Harry and the Hendersons
Amerigo Vespucci
Former WWF Superstar Duke the Dumpster Drose
Your Mother

WHAT A GODDAMN SURPRISE: NATS WIN

2007-05-23T11:35:00.000-07:00

Another Matt Chico outing, another Nationals victory. That's three in a row, for those of you not keeping track. The Nats are 6-4 in Matt Chico starts. That's a 97 win season if Matt Chico starts every game. I'm talking World Series type shit here, folks.

Even Bob Carpenter is getting in on the Chico bandwagon-- he finally said Matt Chico threw a pitch that was a "SERIOUS JAM JOB THERE". Other pitchers have been getting the jam job call from Carpenter all season. Bob Carpenter gives a lot of guys jam jobs. He is just finally coming around to jam jobbing Matt Chico.

Did you see he only gave up three hits last night too? Matt Chico, you're so good.

AND OH BY THE WAY MANNUEL ACTOR WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HITTING MATT CHICO NINTH??

He's hitting .267, better than all but TWO Nats (the GUZ and JESUS). With both Nook Logan and White Nook Logan in the lineup last night, how is Matt Chico not hitting at LEAST 7th in this lineup???? FRobby used to do it with Livan sometimes, maybe you should start thinking about it Manny. At least let him pinch hit instead of Tony Batista.

MATT CHICO VS THE CINCINNATI REDS

2007-05-22T12:40:00.000-07:00

FACTS ABOUT CINCINNATI and the CINCINNATI REDS:

- They use cinnamon in their chili, a former Nazi cooking technique.
- Bronson Arroyo's songwriting is worse than Etan Thomas' poetry. Seriously.
- They are called "Reds" a term often used to identify Communists.
- They had a race riot like two years ago.
- Jerry Narron's grandfather founded the Know-Nothing Party.
- They traded American hero Jose Guillen.
- One of their stars, Josh Hamilton, is a drug addict with stomach problems.
- Ken Griffey Junior is made of fine italian porcelain.
- Pete Rose.
- They took all the music out of the WKRP in Cincinnati DVDs so it's not even worth it.

CINCINNATI: NAZI COMMUNIST RACIST CHEATING DRUGGED OUT ANTI-AMERICAN HELLHOLE.

And now they're bitching about Gary Majewski. NO TAGBACKS, ASSHOLES. You traded for Royce Clayton, and now you have to suck on it!! There isn't a warranty on crafty right hand relievers!!

Here is your game preview: Good looking, all-american boy next door Matt Chico is going to strike out like 34 Reds. Ryan Freel will run into something and explode. Chico will once again play stopper and achieve victory for the Nats as they continue to climb the major league ranks to 3rd or 4th worst.

NATIONALS STARTING ROTATION!! BEST IN AMERICA!!

2007-05-19T13:39:00.000-07:00

Nationals starting pitchers report!!

Matt Chico!! King of All Blogs!!
Levale Speigner!! Rule Five Still Alive!!!
Micah Bowie!! Journeyman Twin #1!
Jason Simontacci!! Journeyman Twin #2! Combines with Micah Bowie to use Journeyman Powers!!
Mike Bacsik!! Once traded for fellow Nats Alex Escobar and Billy Traber!!

QUESTION: WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE THE NATS STARTING ROTATION, OR THE STARTING ROTATION OF THE BALTIMORE ORIOLES? ANSWER: THE NATS ONE BECAUSE IT HAS MATT CHICO

Start? Quality.

2007-05-17T12:06:00.001-07:00

That's right. Matt Chico leaves in favor of pinch hitter Dmitri Young in the bottom of the sixth, who promptly drives in a run, then his pinch runner (remember comrade Dmitri is a morbidly obese diabetic alcoholic wifebeater) scores the go-ahead run and now Matt Chico is in line for the win.

Final Line: 6 IP, 5 H, 3ER, 2 BB, 1 K.

Washington Nationals bullpen, you're on notice!

7th: Billy Traber shuts them down.
8th: Jesus Colome follows in Billy Traber's footsteps, which typically would not be a compliment.

I am writing this in the bottom of the 8th. I think it would be totally awesome if Matt Chico re-emerged in the bottom of the 9th in a Bobby Valentine-esque disguise to get the save. I feel that will not happen. No, it's Jon Rauch. He is tall.

And victory!

Matt Chico is now 3-4 on the season. He is really good.

Inning #5

2007-05-17T11:19:00.000-07:00

The Chicosphere is completely omnipotent. After calling out Tony Batista, he comes through with an RBI. What a bully pulpit we have here.

The fifth inning was more of the same. Matt Diaz drove in a run. It was boring and lame. This was after the opposing pitcher Chuck James laid down a sacrifice bunt. I was really hoping that it would come to nothing so that I could have commented that Chuck James died in vain. Alas, he didn't. Still, one run was given up.

Oh, and Matt Chico popped up in the fifth. On a totally serious baseball note, at least he's going to pitch into the sixth inning, the third time he's done so in nine starts. He's only thrown 68 pitches too, so the live blog looks to continue.

Because this post otherwise was unimpressive, I'll atone with this:

Silver Slugger Awards

2007-05-17T10:51:00.000-07:00

Single by Matt Chico. The man cannot be stopped. Unless Ronnie Belliard decides to stop him. He is very fat.

Also, more recognition by the mainstream media.

Well, this inning did not go so well. Boston Red Sox reject Edgar Renteria walks, only to be driven in by philanderer Larry Wayne Jones. If there's anything we here at the Chicosphere stand for, it's fidelity and family values. That homer might count in the record book Chipper, but it won't matter when you're rotting in hell with your bastard children.

The rest of them grounded out.

Fuck the Braves and their insensitivity to Native Americans.

Matt Chico: The Third Inning

2007-05-17T10:36:00.000-07:00

Holy shit, did you realize Tony Batista is on the Nationals? Apparently he couldn't cut it with the Fukuoka SoftBank Hawks. Where is Larry Broadway??

Anyway...

Ground out by prolific animal abuser Scott Thorman for the first out.
Another ground out by noted copycat Chuck James, two outs.
Ardent Holocaust denier Matt Diaz flies out to end the inning.

Another triumph of awesome over evil.

Matt Chico due up third in the inning, looking to improve on his .167 average.

5/17: A date that will probably not live in infamy, unless something insane happens

2007-05-17T10:25:00.000-07:00

The Chicosphere (not Matt Chico Rules, despite what the left wing press wants you to believe) will try and follow Matt Chico's start today, IN REAL TIME. This is the advantage of having a day game on a weekday, TP is by a computer. Carrier pigeons can't type on nights or weekends.

Also, the Boz calls Matt Chico "spunky" today. No homo? Stay off his jock, the Boz!

First update: Matt Chico goes through two scoreless innings, giving up hits to the first two hitters simply to test his mental resolve. Having stranded them, Matt Chico realizes his fortitude is phenomenal.

A LIST OF THINGS AND PEOPLE CONSPIRING AGAINST MATT CHICO

2007-05-12T22:53:00.000-07:00

A lot of people are trying to hate on Matt Chico lately. It is pretty much the same story Matt Chico has been dealing with his whole life, with losers trying to bring him down. Here is a list of people who are now official enemies of the Chicosphere:

A) The Liberal Media - Did you know Keith Law once worked for a team in Canada? Keith Law hates all things American, especially true American hero Matt Chico. Jerry Crasnick has also been ducking TP's questions about Matt Chico during ESPN.COM chats
B) The Nationals offense - They are probably the third or fourth best offense in the International League and refuse to score runs for Matt Chico
C) The Corn Industry - Matt Chico hates High Fructose Corn Syrup. It tastes like film
D) Mother Nature - Matt Chico continued to improve against the Florida Barflins, dominating for 4.1 innings until rain stopped his incredible effort. (Topper Shutt, you were right when you said it's a hard rain gonna fall)
E) The Board of Regents of the University of Southern California - Matt Chico and the rest of the guys from Delta House got put on probation after they passed naked pictures of the Provost around. Also Matt Chico fucked the Dean's wife. They still couldn't derail his awesome pitching amazingness.
F) Manuel Actor - Manuel, Matt Chico has an arm of steel. He does not get hurt. It is bullshit to pull him just because he has been in the clubhouse for 2 hours. Matt Chico stays loose by playing Nintendo Wii (the official video console of the Chicosphere). You stole a win from Matt Chico and now you have an enemy for life.
G) Cody Ross - Fuck you, Cody Ross. Just fuck you.

OTHER BREAKING NEWS

Since John Patterson (#1) and Rich Hill (#2) are hurt, Matt Chico (former #3) is now the Nats #1 starter. We have been predicting this for some time.

Please leave your comments below as to whether you think Matt Chico will win the MVP, Cy Young, Rookie of the Year, Silver Slugger, or all of the above awards this year.

PS. DID YOU NOTICE MATT CHICO IS STILL UNDEFEATED AT RFK STADIUM? DID YOU NOTICE THAT MATT CHICO NOW ACCOUNTS FOR MORE THAN A THIRD OF NATIONALS VICTORIES?? DID YOU???

You and your "sabermetrics" can go shove it, Law!

2007-05-10T10:48:00.000-07:00

TP (DC): IS there any reason to watch the Nats this season? I can't think of any. Except Matt Chico, obviously.

Keith Law: (1:44 PM ET ) I'm not even a Chico fan. They're going to be lucky to lose under 110.

Know thy enemy:

And thus begins the Great Keith Law Boycott of 2007 (GKLBMMVII).

MATH LESSON

2007-05-09T18:21:00.000-07:00

Did you know Matt Chico starts account for fully ONE THIRD of the Nationals' victories? They have only won nine games, but SERIOUSLY a third of their wins! All this with only 3.28 runs scored per Matt Chico start.

MATH!

PS. Fuck you Florida Marlfish, you are going to get so fucked up on Saturday.

Hear ye, hear ye!

2007-05-07T12:06:00.000-07:00

FANTASY ALERT!!! Courtesy of offical Chicosphere town crier Basil Thaddiwacker, Matt Chico will have two starts this week, as he pitches tonight vs. the Brewers (you may never have heard of this team from Milwaukee- they have been largely irrelevant since the heyday of Cecil Cooper, though rumors persist that they once turned four double plays in one game in 1992) and likely on Saturday night vs. Florida. Fantasy managers, now is a good time to start Senor Chico, as he should be able to stifle the Pat Listach-less Brewers, and has shown consistent improvement against the Marlins. To wit, let's analyze his progression as he learns the nuances of the Marlins.

April 4- 4 IP, 8 H, 6 ER, 3 HR, o BB, 3 K. A very impressive debut in which he willed his Nationals team to victory.

April 21- 4.2 IP, 6 H, 5 ER, 1 HR, 7 BB, 6 K.

Yeah, that's right Florida. YOU'VE BEEN FIGURED OUT! Matt Chico went all Sherlock Holmes® on you. You got PLAYED.

Prediction:

Tonight vs. Brewers: 8 IP, 2 H (one will come when he is distracted by cheese, the other will come when Bernie the Brewer tries to kiss him), 0 ER, 6 HR (all hit by Matt Chico), 0 BB, 15 K. He'll likely want to take the 9th off in order to get a head start on drinking Milwaukee's Best. Plus, their manager is named Ned Yost and was a former taxidermist after his terrible playing career. Arguably the clumsiest taxidermist/manager in big league history as well.

MATT CHICO.

WHY GOD WHY

2007-05-03T14:08:00.000-07:00

Are you there God? It's me, Matt B.

Why have you forsaken Matt Chico? You give him such gifts as a plus slider and intestinal fortitude, yet you take away his control. Why must all beautiful things like Matt Chico's left arm have a flaw? I thought that You had created a pitcher with a breaking pitch that was so good not even You could hit it. But then you refuse to let Matt Chico realize his talents.

This isn't going to be like Daniel Cabrera, right? You wouldn't do this to me twice, would you God? Please give me a sign.

Love,

Matt B

CHICOSPHERE INTERCEPTS NATS EMAIL

2007-04-30T13:55:00.000-07:00

From: AgingBoyGenius@nationals.com (Jim Bowden)
To: VengaTuMadre@nationals.com (Manny Acta)
Monday, April 30, 2007
Re: Weekend Series vs. Mets

Man-Dawg,

I noticed Matt Chico was the only Nats starter to get a win this weekend. Also Chad Cordero somehow didn't fuck up in the 9th inning of Friday's game. Matt Chico is a now a proven winner and I am the most awesome GM in the game for trading Livan Hernandez for him. He also hit a single, god Matt Chico is cool.

From now on, you are instructed to never take Matt Chico out of a game ever.

Love and Cuddles,
JBo

PS. I am thinking of trading Nick Johnson for more Diamondback prospects. Do you know anything about Robby Hammock?

Mets Have Scurvy!!!

2007-04-27T10:34:00.000-07:00

Gameday preview in haiku form. As you can see, the Chicosphere has no recap of the previous Marlins game, as it technically never happened. It is overcast here in DC, so let's do a Japanese anti-rain dance. The Japanese are not fond of moisture.

Rain, rain go away.
Let Matt Chico pitch today.
Hopefully the Mets don't fuck him up as badly as the Marlins have in the past, that would suck.

GAMEDAY PREVIEW

2007-04-21T10:03:00.000-07:00

Tonight, it's Matt Chico v. Anibal Sanchez.

Remember when Anibal Sanchez threw a no-hitter last year? Yeah, neither does anyone else, because no one was there. Check out the background, see how no one is there? Screw you Sanchez, no one cares about your dumb no-hitter. Miami is the Bermuda Triangle of baseball-- no one really knows what goes on there.

Official Chicosphere Prediction: Matt Chico will win tonight, barring an appearance by Chad Cordero. Manny would be wise to let Chico finish the job by himself. Or letting Levale Speigner pitch the 9th.

ZOMBIE BEN FRANKLIN: GUEST BLOGGER

2007-04-18T13:30:00.000-07:00

I would like to use this opportunity to, from the grave, thank Washington Nationals manager Manuel Actor for not allowing his ace pitcher Matt Chico to denegrate my hometown Philadelphia Phillies during their upcoming visit to RFK Stadium. He surely would have hurled apples well and struck-out many Philadelphians.

It has been a miserable season for my Philadelphians thus far. Ryan Howard has forgotten how to swing. Their second base-bagman is named Chase. Jamie Moyer is older than me. Boston fans have even taken our position as the world's biggest dickheads. Shit, we can't even cheer for Sal Fasano. 2007 sucks.

So thank you, Mr. Acter. Your act of kindness towards the last-place Philadelphia Philadelphianos is not lost on this zombie founding father.

Ben Franklin was never President, but he did invent the jump rope. He died in 1962. He appears occasionally as a guest blogger for the Chicosphere.

People Inferior to Matt Chico

2007-04-17T07:02:00.000-07:00

Matt Chico rules more than:

1. Keith Hernandez

2. Wesley Snipes

3. Steve Sanders*

4. Mr. Rogers

5. Squanto

MATT CHICO HAS MORE MAJOR LEAGUE WINS THAN ALL OF THESE CLOWNS COMBINED!!!!!!

*-Nothing is known of Sanders' possible fictional major league career, but look at him. He would strike you out.

CHICO WINS!! CHICO WINS!!!

2007-04-16T18:46:00.000-07:00

We at the Chicosphere would like to congratulate Matt Chico on his dominating, 5+ inning, 1 run performance against the Atlanta Braves tonight. We are confident that this is win #1 of something like 300. Maybe 400.

Did you see how Matt Chico spotted the Braves three baserunners in the first inning? And then worked out of it?? Matt Chico was just fucking with you Bobby Cox. I hope you feel foolish.

Now is the time-- Get on the Chico bandwagon today. Buy your jersey tee HERE.

PS. Manny Acta quote on Matt Chico: "He battled through and did anything possible to get a W. He is hard as hell and could take anyone on the Braves in a Pit Fight."

GAMEDAY PREVIEW: CHICO VS. HUDSON

2007-04-10T07:19:00.000-07:00

Matt Chico takes on Tim Hudson and the Atlanta Braves tonight. This is probably as close to a guaranteed win as you can get. In fact, we here at the Chicosphere are predicting a shutout.

First, Tim Hudson is only allowed to have 4 good starts per year now. He already used up one of them, and you know he's not going to use another against the Nats. He's going to save them for teams that don't have diabetic wife-beating alcoholics hitting cleanup.

Similarly, Matt Chico is only allowed one bad start per year, and he already used it against the Marlins. But even then, he persevered and his leadership from within the clubhouse allowed the team to achieve a victory.

The Nats' record when Matt Chico starts? 1-0. The Nats record when Matt Chico doesn't start? 0-6. I think you can see why this one is definitely going to be a win. You can bitch and moan all you want about Matt Chico's 13.50 ERA, but the fact is Matt Chico doesn't care about individual stats: he only cares about winning. And Jesus.

Also, did you know that Bobby Cox is a scientologist? It's true. That's why Leo Mazzone left for Baltimore.

PREDICTION: Nats 1/2, Braves 0.

Well Done Jerks

2007-04-04T11:13:00.000-07:00

I hope you're happy Florida Margaylins. You ruined this baby's day. ON IT'S BIRTHDAY.

Why don't you just tell this kid that Santa isn't real?

Matt Chico went 4 innings, giving up 8 hits, 3 home runs, 3 strikeouts, and 6 runs (all of which were super lame.) At the end of the day, Matt Chico perseveres. What doesn't kill Matt Chico makes him stronger.

Levale Speigner, thanks a lot for stranding the inherited runners. NOT! I bet you didn't know Matt Chico knows karate (5th degree black belt) but you'll find out soon after the game when you find crushed cinderblocks in front of your locker, then turn around to find a roundhouse kick right up in your dome.

GREAT RUN SUPPORT OFFENSE!

Public Enemy #2 or #1a or something

2007-04-04T10:41:00.000-07:00

Nice baseball card, you dork. Don't blame me when the rabid denizens of the Chicosphere go and burn down your straw hut in whatever part of bumblefuck Latin America you're from.

Good thing it took me so long to make this post because there's a bounty on your head too, Mike Jacobs. Oh, and you're really fucking ugly. Not to mention you're totally gay, watch your hands around the D-Train you homo.

Death to the Infidels

2007-04-04T10:24:00.000-07:00

And by infidels, I mean Cody Ross- Public Enemy #1

Major League Debut

2007-04-04T06:13:00.000-07:00

Matt Chico today makes his long-awaited major league debut. It's about goddamn time. What else did he need to do?

Year	Team	Lg	Age	Org	Level	W	L	ERA	G	GS	CG	SH	GF	SV	IP	H	R	ER	HR	BB	SO	WP	BK	H9	HR9	BB9	K9	WHIP

2002	USC	NCAA	19		NCAA	6	4	5.48	15	13	0	0		0	69.0	81	49	42	11	47	69	8		10.57	1.43	6.13	9.00	1.86
2003	Yakima	Nwest	20	Ari	A-	7	4	3.53	17	13	0	0	0	0	71.1	75	28	28	4	25	71	9	1	9.46	0.50	3.15	8.96	1.40
2004	South Bend	Midw	21	Ari	A	8	5	2.57	14	14	2	1	0	0	87.2	59	26	25	9	27	89	5	0	6.06	0.92	2.77	9.14	0.98
	El Paso	Tex	21	Ari	AA	3	7	5.78	14	12	0	0	0	0	62.1	82	53	40	7	36	59	7	1	11.84	1.01	5.20	8.52	1.89
2005	Lancaster	Calif	22	Ari	A+	7	2	3.76	18	18	0	0	0	0	110.0	101	50	46	13	39	102	4	1	8.26	1.06	3.19	8.35	1.27
	Tennessee	Sou	22	Ari	AA	1	7	5.98	10	10	0	0	0	0	52.2	75	44	35	8	15	35	2	2	12.82	1.37	2.56	5.98	1.71
2006	Lancaster	Calif	23	Ari	A+	3	4	3.75	10	10				0	50.1	48	25	21	5	11	49	4	0	8.58	0.89	1.97	8.76	1.17
	Harrisburg	East	23	Wan	AA	2	0	3.27	4	4				0	22.0	28	9	8	3	8	13	3	1	11.45	1.23	3.27	5.32	1.64
	Tennessee	Sou	23	Ari	AA	7	2	2.22	13	13				0	81.0	62	22	20	6	21	63	8	1	6.89	0.67	2.33	7.00	1.02

Minor League Totals - 4 Season(s)						38	31	3.74	100	94				0	537.1	530	257	223	55	182	481	42	7	8.88	0.92	3.05	8.06	1.33

He was sorta getting bored dominating Double A, major league talent evaluators! And don't even get me started on Triple A. Everyone knows that's for pussies. Today, at 1:05 PM Eastern time (don't forget daylight savings!) Matt Chico faces the Florida Marlins, or as they are known in baseball circles throughout the league, the Florida "Dickweeds who suck at hitting and will have serious problems contending with Matt Chico's phenomenal array of pitches."

Prediction: No hitter. It would probably be more accurate to predict a perfect game, but I think someone cowardly like Miguel Olivo will attempt to get hit by a pitch. And probably only 19 K's. Unfortunately, the weather in the D.C. area is worse than Marlins' manager Fredi Gonzalez's attempt to spell his first name, so Matt Chico's debut may be delayed. I blame this on Marlins center fielder and renowned mystic Alejandro de Aza, as he has been known to summon rains before. However, Matt Chico will likely unleash a spell countering de Aza's attempts to influence the weather. Also, Matt Chico will hit at least two homers, one blindfolded. Good luck getting seats at RFK today, attendance is expected to reach heretofore unseen levels.

Is Jerome Beasley the Matt Chico of the NBDL?!?!?!?!

National Sports Media: Matt Chico is the Coolest

2007-03-31T08:45:00.000-07:00

AP reporter Howard Fendrich tells us what we already knew: Matt Chico is a fearless warrior, who also brings street cred to the job.

So his trip to the majors really got going after throwing for Rizzo on a makeshift mound outside the California warehouse where Chico began working out at age 10.

"I can honestly say I've never drafted anybody else after throwing in an alley. Usually, we do it on a diamond," Rizzo, now Washington's assistant general manager and vice president of baseball operations, said with a laugh Friday. "This guy has gone some through trials and tribulations. You talk about a 'road not traveled' -- this is a road to the big leagues that hasn't been traveled very much."

Matt Chico is from the streets, bitch! He learned to pitch in alleys while fending off local gangs with the threat of his wicked fastball. USC couldn't handle the fact that Matt Chico keeps it real. Have you ever been to USC? A bunch of preppy rich kids. They couldn't deal with someone as hard as Matt Chico. They only understand book smarts, not street smarts.

If all goes as planned, our boy Matt will be pitching on Wednesday afternoon vs. the Marlins. Be there to see the beginning of the Chico revolution.

Matt Chico Spring Update #2

2007-03-26T09:45:00.000-07:00

You may have noticed that Matt Chico got slapped around a little bit in yesterday's Spring Training game against the Braves. But what the press didn't tell you is that Matt Chico was just fucking around. He was actually pitching with his right hand. That's right, Matt Chico is ambidextrous. How fucking awesome is that.

Also, he was instructed by pitching coach Randy St. "Elsewhere" Claire to get into a based loaded jam in the fourth so that Ray King could get the adrenaline pumping like in a regular season game.

Plus, he was getting no love from the Nats hitters. Matt Chico needs some run support, and the fact that D'Angelo Jimenez was the only Nat hitting the ball yesterday did not help. Hopefully this does not mean D'Angelo makes the N'Ationals 25 man roster.

MATT CHICO FORECAST: OVERCAST WITH A CHANCE OF AWESOME

2007-03-21T18:24:00.000-07:00

If you didn't catch Matt Chico being interviewed on MASN tonight, you totally missed out. MASN reporter (and Emmy winner) Debbi Taylor was definitely sweating his jock. It must be difficult for women not to when you are such a source of cool like Matt Chico. Here is a recap:

- Matt Chico is an artist when he is not busy throwing baseballs very fast.
- Matt Chico is currently working on a drawing, which Debbi Taylor is not allowed to see until he finishes it. But Debbie is invited to see it afterwards.
- Matt Chico has not bought a place in DC yet. The real estate market will probably be greatly affected by where he moves.

That's right, not only is Matt Chico a world renowed Yo-Yo master, he is also a top notch artist. The question remains: is there anything that Matt Chico cannot do?

Best yo-yoer EVER

2007-03-21T13:24:00.000-07:00

Yet one more thing Matt Chico is better than you at. Yo-yoing. It's really an art form.

Matt Chico talking about his overall greatness.

This kid came has come in second 7 years straight to Matt Chico at the Matt Chico Yo-Yo Invitational.

3/20 Summary

2007-03-20T11:36:00.000-07:00

Matt Chico pitched four excellent innings and went 1-1. The Nationals also signed another starting pitcher today who will eventually be left in Matt Chico's dust: the overwhelmingly shitty Pedro Astacio.

Matt Chico is probably getting wasted right now with really hot sluts.

FIRE MANNY ACTA

2007-03-20T11:33:00.000-07:00

Washington	AB	R	H	RBI	BB	SO	LOB	AVG
Logan, CF	3	0	0	0	0	1	2	.200
Jimenez, SS	2	0	0	0	1	0	2	.250
Casto, K, LF	2	0	0	0	0	0	0	.348
Restovich, RF	2	1	1	0	0	1	0	.200
Lee, 1B	2	0	1	0	0	0	0	.350
Belliard, 3B	1	0	0	0	1	0	0	.192
Thurston, 2B	2	0	1	1	0	0	0	.222
Flores, C	2	0	1	0	0	0	2	.467
Chico, P	1	0	1	0	0	0	0	1.000
a-Church, PH	1	0	0	0	0	0	0	.171
Totals	18	1	5	1	2	2	6
a-Grounded out for Chico in the 5th.

RYAN CHURCH CANNOT CARRY MATT CHICO'S JOCKSTRAP!!!!

Through 4...

2007-03-20T11:20:00.001-07:00

Washington	IP	H	R	ER	BB	SO	HR	ERA
Chico	4.0	2	0	0	2	2	0	2.70

Go home Marlins, you bore Matt Chico.

Notice to Ricky Nolasco...

2007-03-20T10:56:00.000-07:00

You can't even pitch to Matt Chico. He hits any pitch thrown in the stadium... LOOK AT HIS SPRING TRAINING AVERAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Washington	AB	R	H	RBI	BB	SO	LOB	AVG
Logan, CF	2	0	0	0	0	1	2	.206
Jimenez, SS	2	0	0	0	0	0	2	.250
Casto, K, LF	1	0	0	0	0	0	0	.364
Restovich, RF	1	0	0	0	0	1	0	.167
Lee, 1B	1	0	0	0	0	0	0	.316
Belliard, 3B	1	0	0	0	0	0	0	.192
Thurston, 2B	1	0	0	0	0	0	0	.176
Flores, C	1	0	1	0	0	0	0	.500
Chico, P	1	0	1	0	0	0	0	1.000
Totals	11	0	2	0	0	2	4

Hey Marlins...

2007-03-20T10:51:00.000-07:00

Suck on Matt Chico's plus fastball and developing curve and change motherfuckers!

Washington	IP	H	R	ER	BB	SO	HR	ERA
Chico	2.0	2	0	0	1	2	0	3.18

http://mlb.mlb.com/news/boxscore.jsp?gid=2007_03_20_wasmlb_flomlb_1

Way to beg for a day off you gigantic pussy Mike Jacobs.

While you were busy not being the #4 starter for the Washington Nationals...

2007-03-19T13:26:00.000-07:00

PLAYER        W  L  S  ERA   G GS CG SHO    IP   H   R  ER
------        -  -  -  ---   - -- -- ---    --   -   -  --

M Chico       1  1  0  3.86  3  2  0   0   9.1  11   4   4

Matt Chico- #47 in your program, #1 in your hearts

2007-03-19T12:54:00.000-07:00

Ace Washington Post reporter Barry Svrluga suggests in today's paper what everyone knew forever: Matt Chico is going to be the #4 starter for the Washington Nationals this year, "if things continue to develop the way they are," says manager Manny Acta. Currently slotted into the #4 spot behind John Patterson, Shawn Hill, and Jason Simontacchi, Chico will have to fight off the likes of Jason Bergmann, Levale Speigner, Joel Hanrahan, Tim Redding, and Jerome Williams. I think that's doable. One time, I had a severe case of Levale Speigner after not showering for four days, but penicillin cured that right up! Needless to say, his job appears safe.

Upon hearing this news, the idea for a Matt Chico blog arose. The Matt Chico-sphere is relatively barren, but not anymore!

Matt Chico math: Livan Hernandez- Garrett Mock= Matt Chico

Fantasy nerds, protest the powers that be at Rotoworld: http://www.rotoworld.com/content/playersearch.aspx?searchname=matt%20chico

MATT CHICO IS WATCHING YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!