CHICOSPHERE INTERCEPTS NATS EMAIL

From: AgingBoyGenius@nationals.com (Jim Bowden)
To: VengaTuMadre@nationals.com (Manny Acta)
Monday, April 30, 2007
Re: Weekend Series vs. Mets

Man-Dawg,

I noticed Matt Chico was the only Nats starter to get a win this weekend. Also Chad Cordero somehow didn't fuck up in the 9th inning of Friday's game. Matt Chico is a now a proven winner and I am the most awesome GM in the game for trading Livan Hernandez for him. He also hit a single, god Matt Chico is cool.

From now on, you are instructed to never take Matt Chico out of a game ever.

Love and Cuddles,
JBo

PS. I am thinking of trading Nick Johnson for more Diamondback prospects. Do you know anything about Robby Hammock?

Mets Have Scurvy!!!

Gameday preview in haiku form. As you can see, the Chicosphere has no recap of the previous Marlins game, as it technically never happened. It is overcast here in DC, so let's do a Japanese anti-rain dance. The Japanese are not fond of moisture.

Rain, rain go away.
Let Matt Chico pitch today.
Hopefully the Mets don't fuck him up as badly as the Marlins have in the past, that would suck.

GAMEDAY PREVIEW

Tonight, it's Matt Chico v. Anibal Sanchez.

Remember when Anibal Sanchez threw a no-hitter last year? Yeah, neither does anyone else, because no one was there. Check out the background, see how no one is there? Screw you Sanchez, no one cares about your dumb no-hitter. Miami is the Bermuda Triangle of baseball-- no one really knows what goes on there.

Official Chicosphere Prediction: Matt Chico will win tonight, barring an appearance by Chad Cordero. Manny would be wise to let Chico finish the job by himself. Or letting Levale Speigner pitch the 9th.

ZOMBIE BEN FRANKLIN: GUEST BLOGGER

I would like to use this opportunity to, from the grave, thank Washington Nationals manager Manuel Actor for not allowing his ace pitcher Matt Chico to denegrate my hometown Philadelphia Phillies during their upcoming visit to RFK Stadium. He surely would have hurled apples well and struck-out many Philadelphians.

It has been a miserable season for my Philadelphians thus far. Ryan Howard has forgotten how to swing. Their second base-bagman is named Chase. Jamie Moyer is older than me. Boston fans have even taken our position as the world's biggest dickheads. Shit, we can't even cheer for Sal Fasano. 2007 sucks.

So thank you, Mr. Acter. Your act of kindness towards the last-place Philadelphia Philadelphianos is not lost on this zombie founding father.

Ben Franklin was never President, but he did invent the jump rope. He died in 1962. He appears occasionally as a guest blogger for the Chicosphere.

People Inferior to Matt Chico

Matt Chico rules more than:

1. Keith Hernandez

2. Wesley Snipes


3. Steve Sanders*



4. Mr. Rogers


5. Squanto


MATT CHICO HAS MORE MAJOR LEAGUE WINS THAN ALL OF THESE CLOWNS COMBINED!!!!!!


*-Nothing is known of Sanders' possible fictional major league career, but look at him. He would strike you out.

CHICO WINS!! CHICO WINS!!!

We at the Chicosphere would like to congratulate Matt Chico on his dominating, 5+ inning, 1 run performance against the Atlanta Braves tonight. We are confident that this is win #1 of something like 300. Maybe 400.

Did you see how Matt Chico spotted the Braves three baserunners in the first inning? And then worked out of it?? Matt Chico was just fucking with you Bobby Cox. I hope you feel foolish.

Now is the time-- Get on the Chico bandwagon today. Buy your jersey tee HERE.

PS. Manny Acta quote on Matt Chico: "He battled through and did anything possible to get a W. He is hard as hell and could take anyone on the Braves in a Pit Fight."

GAMEDAY PREVIEW: CHICO VS. HUDSON

Matt Chico takes on Tim Hudson and the Atlanta Braves tonight. This is probably as close to a guaranteed win as you can get. In fact, we here at the Chicosphere are predicting a shutout.

First, Tim Hudson is only allowed to have 4 good starts per year now. He already used up one of them, and you know he's not going to use another against the Nats. He's going to save them for teams that don't have diabetic wife-beating alcoholics hitting cleanup.

Similarly, Matt Chico is only allowed one bad start per year, and he already used it against the Marlins. But even then, he persevered and his leadership from within the clubhouse allowed the team to achieve a victory.

The Nats' record when Matt Chico starts? 1-0. The Nats record when Matt Chico doesn't start? 0-6. I think you can see why this one is definitely going to be a win. You can bitch and moan all you want about Matt Chico's 13.50 ERA, but the fact is Matt Chico doesn't care about individual stats: he only cares about winning. And Jesus.

Also, did you know that Bobby Cox is a scientologist? It's true. That's why Leo Mazzone left for Baltimore.

PREDICTION: Nats 1/2, Braves 0.

Well Done Jerks

I hope you're happy Florida Margaylins. You ruined this baby's day. ON IT'S BIRTHDAY.

Why don't you just tell this kid that Santa isn't real?

Matt Chico went 4 innings, giving up 8 hits, 3 home runs, 3 strikeouts, and 6 runs (all of which were super lame.) At the end of the day, Matt Chico perseveres. What doesn't kill Matt Chico makes him stronger.

Levale Speigner, thanks a lot for stranding the inherited runners. NOT! I bet you didn't know Matt Chico knows karate (5th degree black belt) but you'll find out soon after the game when you find crushed cinderblocks in front of your locker, then turn around to find a roundhouse kick right up in your dome.

GREAT RUN SUPPORT OFFENSE!

Public Enemy #2 or #1a or something

Nice baseball card, you dork. Don't blame me when the rabid denizens of the Chicosphere go and burn down your straw hut in whatever part of bumblefuck Latin America you're from.



Good thing it took me so long to make this post because there's a bounty on your head too, Mike Jacobs. Oh, and you're really fucking ugly. Not to mention you're totally gay, watch your hands around the D-Train you homo.

Death to the Infidels

And by infidels, I mean Cody Ross- Public Enemy #1

:(

Major League Debut

Matt Chico today makes his long-awaited major league debut. It's about goddamn time. What else did he need to do?

Year	Team	Lg	Age	Org	Level		W	L	ERA	G	GS	CG	SH	GF	SV	IP	H	R	ER	HR	BB	SO	WP	BK	H9	HR9	BB9	K9	WHIP
2002	USC	NCAA	19		NCAA		6	4	5.48	15	13	0	0		0	69.0	81	49	42	11	47	69	8		10.57	1.43	6.13	9.00	1.86
2003	Yakima	Nwest	20	Ari	A-		7	4	3.53	17	13	0	0	0	0	71.1	75	28	28	4	25	71	9	1	9.46	0.50	3.15	8.96	1.40
2004	South Bend	Midw	21	Ari	A		8	5	2.57	14	14	2	1	0	0	87.2	59	26	25	9	27	89	5	0	6.06	0.92	2.77	9.14	0.98
	El Paso	Tex	21	Ari	AA		3	7	5.78	14	12	0	0	0	0	62.1	82	53	40	7	36	59	7	1	11.84	1.01	5.20	8.52	1.89
2005	Lancaster	Calif	22	Ari	A+		7	2	3.76	18	18	0	0	0	0	110.0	101	50	46	13	39	102	4	1	8.26	1.06	3.19	8.35	1.27
	Tennessee	Sou	22	Ari	AA		1	7	5.98	10	10	0	0	0	0	52.2	75	44	35	8	15	35	2	2	12.82	1.37	2.56	5.98	1.71
2006	Lancaster	Calif	23	Ari	A+		3	4	3.75	10	10				0	50.1	48	25	21	5	11	49	4	0	8.58	0.89	1.97	8.76	1.17
	Harrisburg	East	23	Wan	AA		2	0	3.27	4	4				0	22.0	28	9	8	3	8	13	3	1	11.45	1.23	3.27	5.32	1.64
	Tennessee	Sou	23	Ari	AA		7	2	2.22	13	13				0	81.0	62	22	20	6	21	63	8	1	6.89	0.67	2.33	7.00	1.02
Minor League Totals - 4 Season(s)							38	31	3.74	100	94				0	537.1	530	257	223	55	182	481	42	7	8.88	0.92	3.05	8.06	1.33

He was sorta getting bored dominating Double A, major league talent evaluators! And don't even get me started on Triple A. Everyone knows that's for pussies. Today, at 1:05 PM Eastern time (don't forget daylight savings!) Matt Chico faces the Florida Marlins, or as they are known in baseball circles throughout the league, the Florida "Dickweeds who suck at hitting and will have serious problems contending with Matt Chico's phenomenal array of pitches."



Prediction: No hitter. It would probably be more accurate to predict a perfect game, but I think someone cowardly like Miguel Olivo will attempt to get hit by a pitch. And probably only 19 K's. Unfortunately, the weather in the D.C. area is worse than Marlins' manager Fredi Gonzalez's attempt to spell his first name, so Matt Chico's debut may be delayed. I blame this on Marlins center fielder and renowned mystic Alejandro de Aza, as he has been known to summon rains before. However, Matt Chico will likely unleash a spell countering de Aza's attempts to influence the weather. Also, Matt Chico will hit at least two homers, one blindfolded. Good luck getting seats at RFK today, attendance is expected to reach heretofore unseen levels.

Is Jerome Beasley the Matt Chico of the NBDL?!?!?!?!